Celebrating and grieving

Today is Jamie's fourth birthday. We celebrated with a party at a park yesterday, with family and six classmates in attendance. Jamie enjoyed it very much, especially the fact that all the presents he opened got to come home with us. I enjoyed the fact that my little boy enjoyed his party.

Why then, tonight, are there tears in my eyes, occasionally slipping down my cheeks? Why tonight did I remember my first baby, the one in heaven, the one I carried for eight weeks after four years of infertility before having to let go of the little scrap of a body that couldn't live on earth for some reason? Perhaps it's in the celebration of my youngest's birthday that I miss the birthdays of the one I haven't been allowed to celebrate, at least not in person.

Grieving at times is good and appropriate, and I don't often grieve like this, but tonight I miss my first baby. Perhaps today's struggles of an imperfect parent trying to raise godly but imperfect children have brought extra emotion to the evening. But I won't try to excuse the tears, only explain them.

On a happier note, Heather sat in "big" church with me this morning as she has been barking like a seal coughing badly. As we made our way into the sanctuary, I saw the communion serviceware set up and knew I needed to do some explaining. Back on July 19, 2008, Heather asked God to forgive her sins and live in her heart. I didn't want to deny her communion, but I wanted to know that she understood it before she observed it. Thankfully she agreed to talk about it later. After church in the car as we talked, she related to me knowing about the last supper and that the juice "stands for Jesus' blood" and the cracker "stands for Jesus' body". She talked about the whip used to flay Jesus' back the day before he was crucified and other things that showed me she's heard it and understands. What a delightful thing for this mother praying for her children daily, beseeching God to grant them spiritual wisdom and understanding and hearts open to Him.

Okay, okay, I need to update this thing more frequently and certainly include more pix. Gotcha. Right after I clean my room.